As of 2:43 this morning, I have completed my 39th trip around the sun. Today is, in the realest sense, my new year (and I don’t feel any different).
Reflection is natural on a day like today, and while I’ve been running through my normal workday routine and commute thus far this morning, I did take a few moments to try to quiet my mind and take stock of life a little. I’ll do this more intensively this evening, once I’m home from another normal day in the office and a birthday dinner with my favorite people.
And what I’ll find when I do finally get some time to think is that I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be in life. What I’ll ask myself is do I feel like a damn adult yet? Do I feel like I’ve improved, like I’ve made any progress? And the answers will be no. Does anyone ever feel like they’ve grown to that point? Does life ever really get any easier?
I am not as virtuous as I’d like to think. My life isn’t as put together as I try to make it appear. I can be a much better son, brother, uncle, and friend. The divide between who I am and who I desire to be is still rather wide.
But I think acknowledging that chasm between the life you’re actually living and the life you aspire to is the whole point. If it didn’t exist, what would motivate you to get out of bed in the morning? To formulate goals, identify wants, plan for better in the future? It’s the chasm that keeps you going. It’s the chasm that keeps you hopeful.
So as another trip around the sun begins for me, that’s what I’m focusing on. The hope that perhaps this year will be the one where I shrink the chasm, where I come closer to being the person I want and need to be and building the life I envision for myself. It’s all about the hope. That’s what will be keeping me going.